It is on the mornings of great love and great loss in which I rise with the most passion for life. I love you Helena, I love you so much that you are the first thing in my mind in those moments before I first gain consciousness. You stand there, pointing to that stitched cartoon soldier on your favorite pink shirt, and you say “他是我的小兵“. Slowly light would filter in and you would fade away…
But during those moments. I grasp towards you desperately, clawing and straining to reach you. The light behind me, growing ever stronger, pushes you away. You and your little guardian, perched over your heart, recede into the remaining darkness. I yell and cry for you, but the light envelops me, and the light is so loud and bright, more persistent than all my protests. I am drowning my dear Helena. I can’t breath.
I only have one urgent thought in my mind, to trade places with that 小兵. I want to be your guardian, protecting you, keeping warm your heart. If I could only give away everything, I would. This mind, this consciousness, I will trade it all to push back this terrible light. Then I can rest with you, close to your bosom. And you can point to me, and you can whisper softly in my ear, “你永远是我的小兵“.
It is on the mornings of great love and great loss in which I rise with the most clarity.